MICROSOFT ACQUIRES VATICAN!

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's
 Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican 
 announced that the Redmond software giant will 
 acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an 
 unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. 
 If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer
 software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious
 Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents
 Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the
 College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next
five to ten years," said Gates.   "The combined resources of  
MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make 
religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line 
service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the 
first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation 
practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get
Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even 
reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include 
a macro language which you can program to download heavenly
graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
 
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St 
Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don 
Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the
event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement.  When 
Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of
these pointy hats,"  the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile 
seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to 
the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes
works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci.  But
critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts
to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy 
scriptures," said Rabbi David  Gottschalk of Philadelphia. 
"You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands 
of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw 
on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has 
just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,"
notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the
last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased 
dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of 
the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive
competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade
to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing 
arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects
were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned
to use it. Today Christianity is available from several
denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most 
widely used.

The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth,"
echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop 
and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a
scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through
emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of 
interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a 
couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and 
acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. 
Southern Baptist conference, as other churches scramble to
strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious 
market.