IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE AIRLINES...

 DOS Air: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of
 the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off
 when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again,
 push it back into the air, hop on, et cetera.

 Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look
 the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions
 about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't
 need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the
 movie.

 Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the
 attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The
 fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet
 takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at
 20,000 feet it explodes without warning.

 OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few
 prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their
 flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there
 are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around,
 apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from
 time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the
 field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be
 on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows
 Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for
 the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until
 mid-1995. Maybe longer.

 Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the
 tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit
 down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are
 flying.

 Unix Express: all passenger bring a piece of the airplane and a
 box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac,
 arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build
 and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into
 groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all
 the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.
 All passengers believe they got there.

 Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably
 the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on
 their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight
 attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the
 drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless
 you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
 membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but
 your accounting department can call it overhead.

 MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching
 hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense,
 luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over
 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more
 engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than
 there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger
 mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft
 ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket.
 All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians
 needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in
 the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the
 plane is too big to get through the hangar doors. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Ramona J. Madewell
* Automation Project Librarian
* Resource Services - Automation
* Vanderbilt University Library
* 419 21st Avenue South
* Nashville, TN 37240
* 
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